I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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