Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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