too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
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Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
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I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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