You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
