at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
