how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Too much gin, very little bucket
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
