Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
