Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
