I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
