I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
