new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
