when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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