I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
