Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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