PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
