Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
