Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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