He uses pillows to masturbate.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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