I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
