im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
