I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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