apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
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I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
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and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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