i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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