Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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