You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
