some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
