I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
