i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
