I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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