Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Dick very happy bro
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
