i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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