He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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