Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
