My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
