my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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