it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have already put on my inside pants.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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