I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
