I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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