True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
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I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
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He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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