I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
