Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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