You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think weed is turning my hair brown
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
