About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
