I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
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You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
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Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize