Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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