so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
