I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
