If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
