Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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