I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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