I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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