Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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