Got a toothbrush?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
