Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
