Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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