RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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