No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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