I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
