Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
