Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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