Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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